If Jesus had been in marketing

And now (at the risk of blasphemy) for something completely different…

Imagine the scene. Near Galilee, c.32AD. Meeting of Jesus and disciples, in an IKEA-furnished upper room. Jesus is speaking…

Right everyone! Monday morning team meeting. Judas, have you printed out the agenda? Great. Right, brand awareness, marketing strategy, business opportunities, social media policy, ECRM… James and John, why are you yawning?

Peter, this meeting started one and a half minutes ago. We’re not going to Save The World™ if we can’t even keep to time!

Thomas, could you just check on the coffee and croissants? Cheers.

By the way, Matthew, when you write up the minutes could you maybe, you know, ‘sex them up’ a bit more this time, so to speak? Last lot was a bit yawnworthy, all that genealogy stuff – family history’s all good, but not our core market. Bit more action, more spice. And the title – what was it? ‘A detailed account of the words and actions of Jesus son of Joseph, formerly of Nazareth, and his twelve faithful followers, around the vicinity of Lake Galilee…’ – let’s just call it #TheGospel, right? Snappy, catchy, intriguing. Set it up as a blog and look into a Kindle download and iPhone app.

Oh yes, a word about social media guys – Simon the Zealot, please no more tweeting anti-Roman sentiment. “#RomanScumGetOut” – not helping. And John, enough already with the ‘who’s the best disciple?’ poll on Facebook. Philip, normally I’d say no sharing pics of your lunch, but well done, the feeding of the 5000 one has had lots of retweets – all good publicity. (If you could put up the video as well it might go viral – and also get some of those atheist sceptics off my back. #EatThisDawkins. Only joking.)

Speaking of which, I’m scrapping the cute kids YouTube marketing campaign. Blessing children used to be de rigeur, but in the current climate you have to be careful. So let’s go back to Thomas’s amusing cats idea.

Okay, onto core business. Nice work on the new single Nathaniel. On reflection though, not sure ‘Repent or perish’ is quite the right chorus – let’s try for something a bit friendlier shall we? Meanwhile, the Boy Band’s been getting a lot of good coverage so far. But you know, I still think we should maybe just try Mary Magdalene fronting till you guys lose those beards and sandals – not quite the look we’re going for…

Band name – sorry Andrew, I had to veto ‘Man United’ as sexist – over 59% of our market are women you know, according to our latest segmentation study! ‘The Carpenters’ and ‘Human League’ were possibilities, but I think I’m favouring ‘The Way’. Or maybe ‘One Way’… actually ‘One Direction’ has a certain ring to it…

Now, the Water Into Wine™ business is booming, great work guys. Matthew, nice one using your legal contacts to get the trademark sorted – I think we could be looking at a big bonus for you this year! See if you can also get TM on The Walk on Water Experience and Raise Your Dead parties. And can you register domains for http://www.god.me and instantsalvation.com? All quick wins.

On to the brand… we seriously need to review our logo. The fishy has been a good talking point, but I’m not liking the way people are starting to put little feet on it and writing ‘Darwin’ inside – not funny. James, if you could look into some alternatives for next meeting. Not a dove – bit too gay, not that there’s anything wrong with that of course. Maybe someone very muscular, looking like me, and wrestling a couple of lions. Something that will look good on our ‘What Would Jesus Wear’ clothing range.

I’d also like to rethink our slogan. No, Peter, I know you like it, but ‘Saving Your Sorry Souls From Sin’ just isn’t quite working any more though admittedly ‘souls’ was an improvement on ‘butts’. The market’s moved on; sin is so 29AD. Initial thought was ‘G-O-D is our USP’, but I really want something more about spirituality and life-enhancement – a package people can really buy into, you know. We’ll do a blue-sky brainstorm next meeting.

And while we’re on it, our whole message could do with a little… well, massaging. Out with the old! New wine for new wineskins, as I think I once amusingly said (and Matthew promptly copyrighted <smiley face>). I don’t want to completely change it of course, just a little refresh here and there. For example, ‘Don’t store up your treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy’ – still a classic, but perhaps we should add ‘so set up a Direct Debit to JC Ministries and let us store it in heaven for you! (Terms and conditions apply)’.

Now, our five-year plan. I’ve been reviewing the original mission; the Preaching & Miracles tour has been a sell-out and in business terms it would be madness not to extend it. But we need to think bigger, aim higher; less emphasis on preaching and more on singing, fashion, book signings, that sort of thing.

So anyway, I’ve scrapped the old plan to wind up in Jerusalem, the cross, all that stuff. It was a sound business idea – die young, become even more popular, sell more merchandise – but on reflection just not, well, practical. We can still use the cross motif – people like it – but let’s keep it symbolic and decorative. Saving the world requires sacrifices of course, but dying horrifically is just going a bit too far… even if Mel Gibson has offered to make the movie…

Okay, onto AOB, and I think Judas has some great ideas for a new Bank of God. ‘Up your heavenly ROI with JC PLC…’

The scene fades…

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About TheEvangelicalLiberal

Aka Harvey Edser. I'm a web editor, worship leader, wannabe writer, very amateur composer and highly unqualified armchair theologian. My heroes include C.S. Lewis and Homer Simpson.
This entry was posted in Heresy/blasphemy, Money and marketing, Satire/silly and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to If Jesus had been in marketing

  1. xtinawaffles says:

    Hahaha wow I don’t normally comment on people’s blog posts but I really enjoyed reading this!!! It was so clever and original, but this satire reveals something that sadly happens too often today.

    Like

    • Thank you! I’ve recently been moved (unwillingly) into our Marketing department at work so I speak with a (very small) degree of insider knowledge… Admittedly I don’t work for a church or Christian organisation, but from what I’ve seen a fair few have been lured over to the Dark Side where it’s all about the brand or the business strategy…

      Like

  2. Really enjoyed this – literal LOL (more a guffaw) at the ‘What Would Jesus Wear range’. Heeheehee. Reminds me of the leader at Scargill Christian Community in the Yorkshire Dales – he wears a ‘What Would Scooby Do’ bracelet. Thank you… you now rank up there with Adrian Plass 😉 I can’t take the Church seriously unless I can acknowledge and laugh at its flaws. Perhaps this is a British thing? Or maybe I’m just a heretic…

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    • Thanks very much – wow, ranking with Adrian Plass is a high accolade indeed. He’s long been one of my heroes of the faith. 🙂

      I think being able to laugh at the church is hugely important – I’d say it’s just part of being able to laugh at yourself, and also at fallible human authority. But yes, it does seem to be a peculiarly British thing!

      Like

  3. Oh the hilarity! What a story…

    Like

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